I was 24 years when I had my first boy, it wasn't planned and I felt that I was really only starting to enjoy my life. I was only with my partner a few weeks and we really didn't know very much about each other at all. When I fell pregnant it felt like my world had ended, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I was not ready to become a mother and it took me such a long time to come to terms with it all. Having babies was never part of my plan and least of all with somebody that I barely knew, not exactly a fairytale. I didn't even tell my parents until I was almost 6 months gone. I couldn't handle all of the changes that were happening in my life and all of a sudden and I fell extremely depressed. It was only for a short spell and I snapped out of it (or so I thought) when a friend of mine at the time lost a close family member. It was only then that I realised I was gaining a life, not losing one. I gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy and I was happier than I had even been in my whole life, my world had changed, but for the better. I was on a high, but what goes up, must come down so to speak. Everybody talks about the baby blues but I never really understood what they truly were or how hard they would hit me. The day we came home from the hospital (normally a joyous occasion) I cried the whole way home, why? Well all because the part that the baby car seat clipped into was put into the car wrong. Looking back now I think I was scared, genuinely scared that I now had to take care of this little person for the rest of my life, and I was doubting that I was even capable of this. I got the typical outbursts of tears for the next few days over the most random of things and that was it, I was done, baby blues over!! How wrong I was, they had only just begun.
I had moved to Arklow only about a year before I became pregnant and it was a huge adjustment as I was living in Cork city before I moved up. Moving from a city to a town is hard, especially when you have so much life around you everyday. I found it very hard to make friends, in a town people have circles of friends from their childhood, so I really didn't have many people I could rely on. I was at home every single day with a little baby by myself, my partner was working and my days were very long and very lonely. The most exciting part of my day consisted of going to Tesco to get something for that nights dinner. There was days that I would sit on the stairs waiting for my partner to come through the door, and the minute he did I would hand the baby to him and walk away, I found it really hard to bond. I knew I loved my baby (more than I had loved anyone) but I also felt like something was missing. I knew it was wrong to feel like this but I couldn't help it and I felt so guilty for feeling like this that I became even more depressed, it was like a vicious circle. Nobody tells you how much the sleep deprivation tortures you, the tiredness is undescribleable, add a screaming baby to the mix and all the hormones in your body. It really messes with your head, no matter how strong of a person you think you are. I remember my child crying and I would sit on the stairs outside of his room (after trying to settle him) and I would just cry, cry my eyes out because I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. There is no training for becoming a mum and it is by far the hardest job you will ever have. I felt like the worst mother in the world, how did so many other women make it look so easy, what was wrong with me.
I started going out again and adding alcohol to everything that was going on in my head was a recipe for disaster. I would cause arguments with my partner because I couldn't understand why he wanted to be with me. I didn't understand how he could love this person, this woman who couldn't even take care of his child because that is truly what I believed. I feel anxious as I write this because its hard when I think back to how I was and how bad I had got. One night I sat on the cold kitchen floor in the middle of the night crying, I honestly didn't believe it would ever get better, I didn't know how to fix it. Your mind is a powerful thing and I felt like I was losing mine, why wasn't I happy? I should be!! I had everything that most people would dream of, things that I felt I didn't deserve.
It took me a long time to see that I needed help and eventually I got it. So many woman have struggled with this and while it's hard to discuss it is also important to create awareness. Not everything in life is a fairytale and even the special and joyful moments can affect you in ways you never imagined. Writing this was like putting the jigsaw puzzle together and I know see how a build up of events led to my experience. It didn't happen overnight and it was hard to come out of but we are always more resilient than we think once we are honest with ourselves. Thank you for taking the time to read this
Luv Lisa xx
