It's not always a fairytale

Having a baby is meant to be one of the most amazing and magical experiences you will ever have in your life, and yes it can be, however nothing can prepare you for the darker more emotional side of the experience. The side that is difficult to talk about, because if you truly voice what goes on in your head people might look at you very differently. As a nation we can have the "get up and get on with it" attitude to life and it is so much easier to brush things under the carpet, then having to deal with them. We can very easily become embarrassed to admit that not everything is okay, or that we may be struggling. Recently I was listening to a few of the snapchat/bloggers that I follow, and "post natal" depression was the topic of conversation. So many girls have suffered from this and I think it is extremely important to talk about it. When you go through something like this you feel very alone, it is hard to understand what is going on and you can quickly spiral into a very dangerous and dark place. I've touched on this previously in some of my earlier posts however I've never really sat down and put it all into words. It is difficult for me to re-live some of these memories but it is also important to show that no matter how dark it becomes, we are stronger than we think, and we can always push through. So here it goes...

I was 24 years when I had my first boy, it wasn't planned and I felt that I was really only starting to enjoy my life. I was only with my partner a few weeks and we really didn't know very much about each other at all. When I fell pregnant it felt like my world had ended, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. I was not ready to become a mother and it took me such a long time to come to terms with it all. Having babies was never part of my plan and least of all with somebody that I barely knew, not exactly a fairytale. I didn't even tell my parents until I was almost 6 months gone. I couldn't handle all of the changes that were happening in my life and all of a sudden and I fell extremely depressed. It was only for a short spell and I snapped out of it (or so I thought) when a friend of mine at the time lost a close family member. It was only then that I realised I was gaining a life, not losing one. I gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy and I was happier than I had even been in my whole life, my world had changed, but for the better. I was on a high, but what goes up, must come down so to speak. Everybody talks about the baby blues but I never really understood what they truly were or how hard they would hit me. The day we came home from the hospital (normally a joyous occasion) I cried the whole way home, why? Well all because the part that the baby car seat clipped into was put into the car wrong. Looking back now I think I was scared, genuinely scared that I now had to take care of this little person for the rest  of my life, and I was doubting that I was even capable of this. I got the typical outbursts of tears for the next few days over the most random of things and that was it, I was done, baby blues over!! How wrong I was, they had only just begun. 

I had moved to Arklow only about a year before I became pregnant and it was a huge adjustment as I was living in Cork city before I moved up. Moving from a city to a town is hard, especially when you have so much life around you everyday. I found it very hard  to make friends, in a town people have circles of friends from their childhood, so I really didn't have many people I could rely on. I was at home every single day with a little baby by myself, my partner was working and my days were very long and very lonely. The most exciting part of my day consisted of going to Tesco to get something for that nights dinner. There was days that I would sit on the stairs waiting for my partner to come through the door, and the minute he did I would hand the baby to him and walk away, I found it really hard to bond. I knew I loved my baby (more than I had loved anyone) but I also felt like something was missing. I knew it was wrong to feel like this but I couldn't help it and I felt so guilty for feeling like this that I became even more depressed, it was like a vicious circle. Nobody tells you how much the sleep deprivation tortures you, the tiredness is undescribleable, add a screaming baby to the mix and all the hormones in your body. It really messes with your head, no matter how strong of a person you think you are. I remember my child crying and I would sit on the stairs outside of his room (after trying to settle him) and I would just cry, cry my eyes out because I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. There is no training for becoming a mum and it is by far the hardest job you will ever have. I felt like the worst mother in the world, how did so many other women make it look so easy, what was wrong with me.

I started going out again and adding alcohol to everything that was going on in my head was a recipe for disaster. I would cause arguments with my partner because I couldn't understand why he wanted to be with me. I didn't understand how he could love this person, this woman who couldn't even take care of his child because that is truly what I believed. I feel anxious as I write this because its hard when I think back to how I was and how bad I had got. One night I sat on the cold kitchen floor in the middle of the night crying, I honestly didn't believe it would ever get better, I didn't know how to fix it. Your mind is a powerful thing and I felt like I was losing mine, why wasn't I happy? I should be!! I had everything that most people would dream of, things that I felt I didn't deserve. 

It took me a long time to see that I needed help and eventually I got it. So many woman have struggled with this and while it's hard to discuss it is also important to create awareness. Not everything in life is a fairytale and even the special and joyful moments can affect you in ways you never imagined. Writing this was like putting the jigsaw puzzle together and I know see how a build up of events led to my experience. It didn't happen overnight and it was hard to come out of but we are always more resilient than we think once we are honest with ourselves. Thank you for taking the time to read this

Luv Lisa xx

January Blues?

Hello everyone and welcome back to my page and my online ramblings :) We are half way through January (everybody's favourite month of the year) and I'm having a serious case of the January blues. I, unlike many others have decided to NOT par-take in "dry January" or any healthy living or lifestyle changes of any kind, mainly because I actually think I'd go insane if I deprived myself of what little bit of joy I have at the end of my day or working week. I'm not as strong as the rest of you and I need my guilty pleasures. But a massive well done to everyone and keep going

After the wind down of Christmas I always find myself re-evaluating my life, I get like this every so often but especially in January. I think its because I have more time on my hands to think or should I say over-think. I get frustrated with myself because another year has gone by and I haven't achieved half of what I thought I would at this stage of my life, or I doubt the decisions that I have made, am in the right profession? should we have another baby? will we ever own a home? will we get to set the date this year? will I get to travel more? etc etc.... I have this streak in me to always want to achieve more or to do or be better. I'm extremely driven and this can make me restless. Do you ever feel like you have done so much in the past year but so little at the same time? Like your always busy but you haven't a clue why? Time passes by far too quickly and the older I get the less time I seem to have do what I want or have planned to do, it scares the living life out of me. 

One things for sure this year, I want to make lots and lots of memories with fantastic people around me. I tend to consume myself with stupid and trivial things that never seem to matter in the end, but this year I am honestly going to try and live by the motto, "work to live". I couldn't care less if I haven't a penny to my name as long as I am spending it on what makes me and my family happy. No more putting off plans, I find myself having conversations with friends that go a little something like this "yeah I haven't seen you in ages, we may meet up soon" Soon often becomes weeks, even months later or in some cases not at all. I'm sure we are all a little guilty of that sometimes, making false promises. But NO not this year, I have already started planning nights out and trips away, memories will be made this year.

So is it just me? Does anyone else feel like this? or am I just having a serious case of the January blues? Let me know your thoughts.....

Luv Lisa xx

Back to Reality

Hi everyone. I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas and are looking forward to the New Year ahead. It's all starting to slow down now, and to be honest as much as I love Christmas I'm kind of happy for it all to be over.

I'm currently lying in bed at the moment and I'm completely restless (nothing to do with the fact that I was drinking yesterday) so I said I'd put my thoughts on paper, so to speak. The past month has been a crazy one to say the least. I work in retail (as most of you prob know by now) so it goes without saying that we were completely hectic for the month of December and November. So much so, that this year I really struggled with work/life balance. Obviously my priorities are always going to be my kids but it goes without saying that my job is very important too as it's the hand that feeds us (if I've got that saying right). It was tough balancing the craziness at work and daily life, plus the extra bits like xmas shopping, school plays-activites and my blog etc. I became quiet forgetful this year, it was like I had way too much going on in my head, I even forgot the tooth fairy 2 nights in a row. I know, I know, how could I? But the reality of it is that I'm certainly not perefct and sometimes I get it wrong. I'd like to think that I'm not the only parent.

Every Christmas you could spend an absolute fortune. I don't know about you but I feel like I never have enough (money) at this time of year. When Christmas day comes every year I feel like "Santa" could have been a little bit more generous. Now I know it's totally ridiculous because the kids have so much and got everything they asked for, however when I go on facebook and I see pictures that other parents have posted of sitting rooms full (and I mean FULL) of toys I feel kind of guilty that I cannot afford to be that extravagant with my kids.

I didn't get to go home ( to Cork) for Christmas this year and I haven't been able to for a number of years now, 10 years to be exact i think. Because of the nature of my job it just never works out that I have enough time to visit. It's sad and this year I really felt it, I would have loved nothing more than to go home and see everyone because it is really what Xmas is all about (being around your loved ones and family) but at least I will be lucky enough see my family early in the new year.

I really really do love Christmas but I'm ready now for some peace and quiet at the start of the new year. I know January can be a month that most people dread, as we are all broke and depressed from the over indulgence of Christmas. But for me this year I think it will be a month for some "time out" and some "me time" that I feel I really do need.

So a Happy New Years to each and everyone of you. I hope you celebrate in style. I'm excited to see what 2016 holds for us all xx

What's love got to do with it

When I was young and I imagined my future, I pictured my life and everything that it would be. Meet a guy, fall in love, travel the world, build a home ( with a white picket fence of course) get married and have beautiful babies. Your stereotypical dream life. See I'm the kinda girl that falls in love fast, and I'm also the kind of girl that believes love should be like a fairytale. Just like the movies. But it isn't really, is it? Reality never matches the fantasy. Every love story is different and so is every relationship.

I've been with my partner/fiancé now for over 10 years, and it's pretty fair to say that most relationships have their ups and downs, but ours was one ROCKY start. When we initially met I don't think either of us had planned on anything too serious (but then again no one ever does). We had both been in long relationships prior to meeting, so neither of us eager to get into another one. Only a few weeks (Yes weeks!!!) into the relationship and I (we) became pregnant, a total shock and totally unplanned of course. So we never really had that fun honeymoon period, start of a relationship like others have, because we were hit with a massive dose of reality right from the beginning. Now coming to terms with being pregnant all while getting to know someone is tough. I knew he was a decent guy but insecurities (and hormones) plagued me, thoughts like "was he only with me for the child" caused many arguments. During this time we went through so many emotions and uncertainty, that I wasn't really sure if something that had started off like this could really last. But we were stronger than we thought. Flash forward through the last 10 years and I honestly don't know where they went, so much but so little has happened, and what I mean by this is, we've had 2 kids but not managed a home or wedding (or the travelling the world bit). No matter how hard times got over the last few years, I knew one thing for sure, and that was that I could never imagine my life without him.

How would I describe our relationship? Anyone that knows us, will tell you that we joke about this, we always say "we are just like John and Mary" from Father Ted. We are like an old married couple, bickering about nothing half the time. Nobody and I mean nobody can annoy me like he can, but also nobody can make me smile like he can either. One minute I could literally be cursing him and another minute laughing with him about something stupid. I don't think we take ourselves too serious. We argue about most things that couples argue about, making life decisions, money, the kids etc. We are very alike but totally different at the same time. I hate the outdoors, he loves the outdoors, we have totally different interests, two people you would probably never put together. However we have always enjoyed a good night out and that has never changed in the last 10 years. I can go out and have the best night out with john, as good if not better than any night out with the girls. Now don't get me wrong we are nowhere near perfect, most of the time when he is telling me something I'm not even listening. I have a great knack of zoning out and he is forever giving out to me for my love of social media (he isn't even on Facebook, the big weirdo). But that's us and it just seems to work somehow. 

When I was at home last weekend, I was watching my Mam and Dad. They have always been a very loving and affectionate couple and sometimes a tad inappropriate in public, (For ex. my dad saying "isn't your nana sexy" in front of my kids) but they just seem to be so perfect for each other. Being at home last weekend I realised something though. Love just isn't enough, it matters a lot but it isn't everything. All of their kids have now flew the nest and it's just them now. They are together almost 39 years, which is a big achievement. I wonder what makes a relationship work and sustain for that long? Respect, hard-work, honesty, I'm sure nothing comes easy. When you have kids your whole life and relationship tends to evolve around them. The best that you can hope for, is that when your kids grow up and start their own families, you have a partner you can now enjoy the rest of your life with. It is about finding a life companion, someone to let you be you, to grow and change with you, to challenge you, and most of all a friend, and if your really lucky a best friend.

So what's love got to do with it? A lot? A little? Is it everything? Let me know what you think

Luv Lisa xx

You only get what you give

When your child is born it suddenly becomes the most perfect and proudest thing you have ever achieved in your life. It is an undescribable love that you never even knew you had in you,  and all you can hope for is that your child will be happy and healthy. Not all of us are as lucky and the road  isn't always as straight and narrow for some. It's not until something personally happens to you or a family member that we really understand the hardship or sorrow some families endure everyday.This of course is understandable because if something doesn't effect to our lives then why would we really need to have awareness of it.

No matter were I've worked I've always got involved in whatever charity the company works with. 

The company I currently work for does alot of work with Enable Ireland (supporting children with disabilities). Reflecting on some of the fundraising we have done recently I've really got thinking and even though I always give to whatever charity is having a collection I never really give it a second thought after donating a few euro. A lady (who shall remain unnamed) whose son avails of the charity we fundraise for told me the story of her sons journey and I don't know why but I always blindly assumed that children were born with disabilities. As a mum I arrogantly thought that once my child came out with 10 fingers and 10 toes that was it, everything would pretty much be okay from here on out. But it's not always like that, tragedy can strike at any time and it is why it's important to dig a little deeper sometimes. You never know when life might through you a curveball and can you imagine depending on other people to help you. It doesn't always have to come down to money we can give our time, time doesn't cost a thing! Believe me when I say it is the most rewarding thing that you will ever do.

Again as a mother any kids charity really pulls at my heart strings and I always look at the kids envolved and admire their strength and resilience. On further thought today I realised that the true strength really comes from the parents. Imagine your child on a day that they are not well..... and now imagine that being your everyday or worse. The emotions that these parents must go through all while trying to support their child by whatever means possible, the financial burden and the stress must be huge on top of everything else. I know I would want to do whatever possible to give my child a better life and it would be hard having to rely on other peoples generosity. Many of us walk by numerous charities everyday and feel that we can't support them all and yes of course it's hard to support everything, but there is so many people relying on our generosity for these much needed funds.

As a country we tend to be extremely generous and I want my kids to grow up understanding the importance of helping those less fortunate. It will possibly be the best lesson I can ever teach them in life. 

 "Never look down on someone unless your helping them up" 

"Be kind, you get back what you give out"

Lisa xx